+ Homosexuality - The Spirit & Deliverance (PART ONE) +

Original Post Date: February 12, 2007

Homosexuality - The Spirit & Deliverance
PART ONE

I have read article after article on the topic of homosexuality. The majority of them written were by people who did not know what it is like to live life as a gay, lesbian, or bisexual person. Recently, a couple of my friends have been dealing with the struggle of wanting to be "free" from being the way they are. Being that I used to live my life as a bisexual, I can give some real insight on what it feels like to grow up and feel cast aside and then eventually set free.

As early as I can remember, I had always been attracted to other females. I can recall being in first or second grade with this strong desire to "be" with my female teacher. During storytime, all of the students would sit on the floor around the teacher. Most of the time, I would sit in the front, as close to her as I could get, so that I could rub her legs through the stockings she was wearing. I would also stand up behind her and run my fingers through her hair, in a way that a man would rub his fingers and play in his lover's hair. I could not make sense of the rush of feelings I would get when I did that nor understand why I was like "that".

I couldn't have been more than 7 years old when I "nearly" got caught in the act of "making out" with another little girl. After that, in my preteen years, I continued to kiss and fondle this same girl. I'd always ask God why I was having those feelings and always made it a point to ask Him to let me "get away with it" just one more time. I promised not to ever do it again, but I just had to do it one more time. Just one more time.

I cannot remember ever being around anyone who was gay and I grew up in a household where I was made to turn my head when a couple were only kissing on tv, so I my exposure to anything relating to same-sex or heterosexual relations was limited. I was crazy about boys. I even had a pin I wore that said "Boys are my life!" Still, I wanted to be with other females. The feeling of wanting to be with another female was as natural to me, as me wanting to be with boys because I had always felt like that is "who" I was...even before I knew what I was supposed to be labeled. It was a while before I even knew exactly what it meant to be gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Since I wanted to be with males and females, I was labeled as bisexual. OK, whatever. I'd be bisexual. I struggled with thinking that what I had was some disease to believing God made me that way, so when I found out that there was actually a "name" for what I was, I started to "accept" that for a while.

When I got older, in my mid-teen years, I started learning more and more about what was being said about homosexuality and finding out how people felt about people like me. I found out that many people hated homosexuals. I didn't want to be hated and deep down I didn't want to be the way I was. I DID NOT WANT TO BE BISEXUAL. I STARTED HATING MYSELF. After hearing about hate crimes, I really started getting mad at God because I felt like He made me that way. I felt unloved. I cursed Him for making me in such a way that people would hate me for being who I was. I asked Him over and over "WHY ME?" I cried myself to sleep several times and there were several times I just wanted to kill myself. I did not want to live anymore if I had to be bisexual. I wanted to be "normal"...like everyone else who was not like I was.

I had my first "real" sexual experience with an older woman when I was in my late teens. I met her through a personal ad I had placed in the local newspaper. After her, I was involved in some other things that had me bound sexually. I was an active participant involving other women at ADULT parties. I was also involved in threesomes and I could hang with the best of the women in X-Rated films. During the acts, I was all for what was going on. It felt good...felt right and wrong at the same time. The before and after is what was killing me the most. My conscience was telling me that I was doing wrong, but I couldn't help myself. I knew I was doing wrong, but still...I kept doing what I was doing because I felt like that was part of me, as a person. That is who I was. Participating in those acts was destroying me. I stayed in and out of depression and used sex, particularly sex with other females as a way to escape...If only for a little while.

I hid that part of me...being bisexual...from people close to me for a long time. My mom did not know or at least she pretended not to know. When I was in my early 20s and decided to tell her, I thought by telling her, I would be set free. Well, I at least thought that I wouldn't have to hide anymore. I told her that I was gay while she was in the bathroom curling her hair one day. She looked at me and said that she hoped I was talking about I was happy. Her face was blank for a minute and then she continued to style her hair as though I never said anything. I smiled, then laughed, while crying out loud on the inside, and left it at that. Nothing more was said about that on that particular day. I did feel some type of release and one step closer to being free and out of hiding. (Or so I thought)

I told my best friend at the time that I liked females around the same time I told my mom. She and I had been friends since junior high and I hid that fact about myself for as long as I could because I didn't know how she would respond. I thought she would stop liking me and never speak to me again. I didn't want that. She was the person I hung out with at the mall, the person I laughed and joked with, and the one I shared some of my deepest feelings with. Still, I felt like I was living a lie. It was eating me up on the inside not to be able to tell her. So, finally, I decided to. When I got tired of pretending and feeling like I had to live a double life just to keep a friend...I told her. She was shocked, but was basically like...and...okay...so what. That was a relief to me because I have heard some terrible stories about people telling their family or friends in an attempt to "come out of the closet". Some people have actually committed suicide because someone they loved treated them horrible after they found out their "dirty little secret".

In relationships with men, I was open about my sexuality. I was so open that I would ask the men I was supposed to be in love with, if we could have another woman join us when we had sex. I was like...Yeah, I am the perfect girlfriend!...I looked good, could cook and keep a house clean, and was a freak in the bedroom...So freaky and perfect, in fact, that I would invite another woman to join us in all kind of sinful acts of pleasure. To my surprise, none of the men I asked to participate in something I felt all men wanted to participate in, wanted to do that. I have never had a threesome with any of the men I have been in a relationship with. If anything, when asked, they looked at me like I had lost my mind. Which was kind of confusing because the media has a lot of people thinking that all men want  threesomes and a freaky girlfriend. (But that's a totally different story for another time.)

When it came to marriage, I had my mind made up. If I was going to get married, my husband was going to have to allow me to have a girlfriend. This "girlfriend" would have to live in the same house with us and share the same bed...after all, she would have to be committed to me too. My mind was messed up. My life and my way of thinking was messed up. I would hear religious people talking about what God does to homosexuals. I even read the scriptures in the bible that showed that God was against what I was doing.

Still, being that I felt like I was born bisexual, He was going to have to make an exception. I was going to heaven. He was going to have to let me in...He better or else. Afterall, He made me the way I was. I even started thinking that somewhere over the years that someone took the part about God making people homosexual out of the bible. Yeah, I was thinking that somebody was hateing and took that out. They had to. I couldn't find any other explanation, but thinking that didn't make me feel better for long.

For years I continued to pray and ask God "Why me?". I would like to say that I read some scripture in the bible and my feeling to want to be bisexual went away like magic. It didn't happen that way. When I first started praying, I wasn't really sincere. I was more mad than anything and I was basically just pointing fingers at God...telling Him to take a look at the mess He had made by making me.

I know better now.

(Hebrews 10:22 "let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.")

My deliverance was a process. It wasn't until I sincerely wanted to change that God started working on the inside of me. When I prayed and asked to be changed, I meant it. I didn't want to live my life in that type of sin anymore. The conviction I had in my heart when I was doing these things was breaking me down. I knew I was doing wrong, but I REALLY wanted to change. I REALLY wanted God to take those homosexual feelings away from me.

(Genesis 1:27 "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.")

God did not make me to be bisexual. However, because of a curse, I was born into sin. Everyone, because of a curse, is born into sin. Noone is exempt. Not you, your friends, or your family members. Demon spirts have been around before your mother even thought about birthing you into this world. The spirit that I was fighting had apparently attached itself to me when I was young. The homosexual demon is a very powerful spirit. That is very evident. It attaches itself to a person's soul and takes the person on a hellish ride. It has people thinking they are born "that way" and causes people to think unclean, same-sex thoughts. Because a person believes that they are born that way, they think the thoughts they have are their own. That is Satan's way of tricking people who are living or curious about living a homosexual life.

(Deuteronomy 30:19 "This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live")

Gays, Lesbians, and Bisexuals, have to WANT to change. They have to want God to make a change in their life before He will move.  We are born with the ability to make our own decisions. FREE WILL. God allows us to make our own choices. The decisions we make in life play a big role in what our outcome will be after we take our final breath. Heaven or Hell...It's our own choice! God does not pick who will be evil or good. Noone is perfect and He knows we all have a sinful nature. However He is perfect and knows our hearts. If He sees that we are trying to fight, He will help us along the way. Will it be easy? No! Satan wants to destroy you. He knows that the wages for sin is DEATH. Satan loves homosexuals, but God loves them so much more. So much more, in fact, that if asked with a sincere heart, He forgives all sins.

(Leviticus 20:13 " 'If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.)

Because of the lifestyle I chose, I surely deserved to burn in Hell, but God knew my heart. I repented and He forgave me. He saved me! I didn't deserve that, but that's the kind of love God has for all of His children. He wants His children to go to Heaven, but homosexuality is an abomination and it is one of the sins that will keep anyone out of there. The devil is tricky. I used to think that God wouldn't send me to Hell because I am cute. Funny, but I did think that. There's no way God would send ME to Hell. That was the lie the devil was whispering to me when I chose to do wrong. There are no exceptions to the rule. It is His law. It's His TRUTH. The devil is a LIE. Don't be fooled.

(1 Corinthians 6:9 "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders")

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