+ Stop Carrying Around Old Baggage In Your Heart! +

Original Post Date: April 09, 2007

Ok. It's time for some real talk. If you are looking for something watered down, do NOT read any further. I'm real. This is me. Understand? Good. Now let's move along.

For a long time I carried a lot of things in my heart around with me. For years, I could not let go of all the things people had done to me, my mistakes, and the fear of doing great things because I was afraid I was going to fail. But, God is so good to me. His mercy, to me, cannot be fully described with words alone.

I came from a broken family. I grew up in a single-parent home. While my mom was a great provider for me and my siblings, we didn't have a mother-daughter relationship. We didn't then and till this day, we still don't. Growing up, especially when I started "dating" in my teens, my mom said a lot of hurtful things to me. I, in return, did the same. She used things I told her in private and confidence against me when she was mad. We fought. I don't mean with words alone. I mean we ACTUALLY fought with our fists. I had a lot of anger built up inside of me. Even so, that does not make what I did right. Even though she wasn't the mother I thought she should be or better yet, the one I WANTED her to be, I was still supposed to honor her.

My dad is deceased now. I really don't know much about him, but I am glad that I actually got to meet him and spend some time with him. Yeah, I know I just wrote "meet" and that's exactly what I did. I met my dad when I was in high school. The "meeting" was rather odd, I believe. School had just ended for the day and I was walking across the front lawn. I saw my mom and a man walking towards me. They were smiling. I started to smile too...with my eyebrows raised at first. However, as crazy as it sounds, once we got closer to each other, I knew who that man was. He was my father. Although I had never seen a picture of him and had no idea what he looked like. I knew. There was the "introduction" which was like something you may see at the backstage of the Maury Show after one of those paternity test results are given. My mom was like..."This is your daddy". Um...okay. I was relieved to actually find out who my dad was. We spent time together and then he was back on his way home. At the time, he lived two hours away.

I saw my dad a couple of times after that. Because he had missed so much of my life, I felt like he owed me a lot. When I would ask him for something and he'd promised to provide, I became very upset when he didn't keep his word. I was continuously let down and held all of that anger in until one day I decided to write him a letter. I told him that he was a deadbeat dad and I wished he would die and go to hell. I felt like I had done something when I called myself "showing him". One night, a couple of months later, my grandmother called me to tell me that my dad had been shot in front of his home. He died on the way to the hospital. His killer still hasn't been caught. That was about 10 years ago. You'd think that after that letter I wrote, I wouldn't shed a tear, but I cried for what seemed like forever. Caught up in the thought about how I would never be "daddy's little girl"...Caught up in the fact that we would never have the chance to discuss the letter I wrote. I was actually mad that I would never be able to argue about it and then make up afterwards. I was upset with God because He took my father before I had a chance to apologize for all of the hateful words that were written in that letter. I was mad at God for a long time!

Through life, I carried a lot of baggage. Stuff that I let hurt me and never could seem to let go. I carried it around...almost afraid to let it go. When I lost my virginity at 14, the sons I gave birth to out of wedlock, the abortion I had, the time someone close to me made me do something I didn't want to, the time I decided I wanted to steal, the times I was bullied, the times I smoked weed, the times I got drunk when I was a teenager, all of the times my heart was broken, oh, and the times I was lied on, cheated on and beaten, the times I was a very willing participant in adult parties, the times I masturbated and had sex with other women...Yep, I just carried all that stuff and a whole lot more. TRUST ME!

Before and during all of that, I could hear God. He'd talk to me, but because I was so caught up in my own little world, I chose not to really grab a hold of what he was telling me. I chose to do wrong and when people hurt me, I just held on to the pain like it was my lifeline. I needed to be forgiven and at the same time, I needed to be the one to do some forgiving.

I carried all of that stuff until recently. I am 28 years old and I have never felt so free. My mind and heart are clear. When I decided that I wasn't going to try to work out my own problems any longer and continue to hold pain in, I let God have it. I let him handle it. All of it. Not some of it, but ALL OF IT. I have forgiven everyone that has ever hurt me. I'm not mad at anyone. Thank God! I have asked for forgiveness of all of my sins. I am forgiven! God...He's good like that. My Father loves me. He loves you too.

He wants me to walk in His fullness, but I couldn't while carrying around all that baggage. All of that junk was part of what was hindering me from moving to the next level. Is God trying to take you to the next level? Got a lot of old baggage in your heart? Let it go. Stop carrying it. It's time for a new bag. God's going to give you one and it's going to be filled with everything you need in order for you to do what it is He has planned for your life. He wants to use you. He wants to bless you so that you can shower blessings on the people in your life.

(Acts 13:38 "Therefore, my brothers, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.")

Forgive the people who have hurt you. Also, if you ask for forgiveness for your sins and believe it in your heart that He has the power to forgive you, so it shall be done. Regardless of your past, God has always had a purpose for your life. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Are you ready to walk in His fullness? If not, Get Ready!

Let go of the baggage and hold onto His promises.

There are great things ahead.

Be Blessed,

Ayana E.
myspace.com/ayanaelon

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